Josh's Thoughts

I guess at this point I should just let you all know, if you’re not interested in hearing the emotional side of Josh Guin, you should stop reading now. (I wouldn’t blame you. I tend to get a little wordy when this happens.)

As the first sentence of this post suggests, I’m here to talk about the difficulty of having a baby. Specifically, with my wife and I. I’ve been trying to figure out a good way to cope with it and so far, I really haven’t found anything good. So, here I am at 11:42 pm typing away. I hope that you’ll forgive the scattered nature of this post. I don’t do this sort of thing.

Since Alaura and I have started trying to have a child, it has been quite a roller-coaster1 of emotions. As I’m sure many of you have experienced, babies can cause a lot of emotion even before they’re in existence. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy, etc. All of these emotions can make life very interesting, to say the least.

When I met my wife, she was such a fun loving, caring person. Then, shortly after we started dating, I found out just why that was the case. She’s the oldest of 9 children. She has acted as a 2^nd mom in a way for the majority of her life now. It only makes sense that she would be as caring as she is because she’s had to take on that responsibility from a young age. I knew and still know that she will be a great mother one day. I think this fact alone is what makes this whole situation so difficult for me. My wife grew up being a mom in a way. She should actually get to be a mom to her own children!

These last couple years have been filled with friends and family having kids. Now, before anyone thinks that I’m talking about them specifically or that I’m mad at anyone in particular, please don’t think that. I’m not mad at someone. I’m more upset about the overall situation. Many of these situations have happened more than once and odds are, you’re not the “the one” that all these feelings are directed towards. I am truly grateful that so many of my friends and family have been blessed to have children. That’s what this life is for! So, to say that someone shouldn’t have been blessed with a child would be very immature and wrong for me to say. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel some jealousy or sadness when I find out that someone who wasn’t even trying to have a kid just happens to get pregnant. In fact, at times, it drives me crazy. I can’t make sense of it. To be honest, I know it’s very hard to get pregnant, but I also don’t want to take the time to look up hard data to back up this “fact.”  I don’t know if this is a real fact or if it’s one of those, “63% of the time, it works all the time” facts, but from what I heard, there’s about a 20% chance that a couple gets pregnant each menstrual cycle. I was also told that percentage is assuming nearly perfect health and wellness for both the husband and wife. How is it that someone who is not even TRYING to get pregnant just happens to get pregnant? It’s amazing! But just because I can’t make sense of something, it doesn’t mean that something is wrong. I think of it like a Rubik’s Cube. Many have been so happy to mix up a Rubik’s Cube with all the colors mixed up and then sadly get frustrated when they are unable to return it to its perfectly organized state. Does that mean the Rubik’s cube is wrong? Is it broken? No. There is simply a lack of understand concerning the situation. I am currently in the stage of frustration where occasionally I want to throw the “Rubik’s Cube” across the room. Why won’t it just solve itself, huh? But just because someone gets pregnant even though they weren’t trying doesn’t mean that it’s wrong or bad that they get to have a kid. I hope you all know that I am happy that you have a child! I mean it with every part of me. I would never wish that someone would not be able to have a child. It can just be frustrating at times.

I have spent many hours holding my wife in my arms with her head on my shoulder as she cried. Many of those times are related to the subject of infertility. Sometimes I feel heartless or jaded because I have yet to cry about it. But I just think to myself that if I am not strong, if I falter, if I don’t be the anchor that my wife needs, things will be harder. So I sit, I wrap my arms around her, I hold her as close as humanly possible, I wait for if/when she wants to talk about it, and I pray that she will find the comfort that she needs. I do feel the sadness she feels. It can be quite overwhelming at times. But I can’t let that stop me from being that support that she needs. That’s how I see it at least.

Whether that’s really how it should be or not, that’s how it is.

For some reason, these same 5 words/questions keep popping into my head:

Who?

What?

Where?

When?

Why?

When we started trying to have a baby, all was well. We were newly married, happy to be together and very hopeful. Now to some, we’re still “newly married” and we even still consider ourselves newlyweds. We are also still very happy together. Marriage is the absolute best! We are also still hopeful. Some days more than others, but still hopeful all the same. Now, these word, these questions…They’ve come and gone during our whole marriage and during our whole time of trying to have a baby. I just want to reflect on these words and what some of the most common questions I ask myself that start with these words. So, if you care to hear what my thoughts are, please continue reading.

Who?

Whose fault is it? Who really knows what we’re going through? Who can I talk to about this? These are just a few of the questions that start with that word that I’ve asked myself repeatedly.

I will be the first to say that there is no “fault” to be had in this situation. I guess in some peoples’ cases, choices may have been made to create “fault,” but in our case, there is none of that. If anyone else is experiencing infertility, I urge you to avoid seeking to place blame on your spouse. Whether it may be deserved or not, it’s not healthy. If you want to have a child with them, there is no time to be blaming one another for the circumstance you’re in. What difference does it truly make if there it is someone’s fault? If you want a baby, you have to help each other. It’s time to work together and overcome those circumstances in whatever way you can.

There are plenty of people that know what we’re going through at this point. Even those people that don’t know EXACTLY what we’re going through can imagine at least a little bit. The heartache of each month. The little twinge of jealousy when you find out another couple is pregnant. The feeling you get when you’re trying and someone asks you, “When are you having kids?” Many of you can relate to something like that. I’m not special. We’re not in a situation like no one else. We’re just likely more vocal about it than many at this point.

It’s not easy to talk about. Yet here I am. I guess instead of choosing a few people to talk to about this, I’m talking to many. Some that are in a similar position, some that have never experienced this, some that care deeply, some that are simply reading this because they wanted to see the “emotional side” of Josh Guin. Whoever you are, thanks for listening.

What?

What can we do to increase our chances? What have we done wrong? What’s the next step for us?

As I mentioned before, getting pregnant is hard. Statistically speaking, humans probably should’ve died out long ago. But, the human race lives on. There are many things that we’ve tried and still other things we have not tried to increase our chances of having a baby. Modern science and technology have been able to increase chances in so many ways. We’re simply starting with the basics and moving on up.

I firmly believe that we have not done anything wrong. But the question still comes up in my mind quite often. I want to talk about this…But it will be later.

What’s our next step? We’re still figuring that out. We’re working our way up the ladder. Moving forward in life. Sometimes our next step is just putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes that step can be the hardest to take. But we’re going to keep going.

Where?

Where will we be in 5 years? 10 years? One question I ask myself frequently is a popular hymn lyric. Where can I turn for peace?

The future can be a scary thought. I’m in school still. My wife is working as a nurse. In 5 years, I could still be in school. (Hopefully not…But who knows?) We could have a baby or we could not. I can’t say much is certain for the future to be honest. If we accomplish our goals, then great. If plans have to change, we can do what we can to change them. So much of that is not within my control. Some of it is in my control. I like to think that I’m making the best with what I can control. I do know one thing though. In 5 years, 10 years, forever even, I’ll be with my wife, Alaura. We have our goals of where we’d like to be in different amounts of time. Some of those goals change as time goes on. But one things that’s consistent about those goals is that we’re going to be together.

Where can I turn for peace? Well, the hymn seems to answer that one, but I also want to talk about that later.

When?

When do we take the next step? When will these bad feelings stop? When will we have a baby?

Each step we take comes with a different time frame. We’re doing everything we can currently. As we keep trying, different steps will come up and we’ll have to take them in stride. I don’t always know exactly when the next step will be, but we’re taking them together.

I don’t always show it, but feelings mean a lot to me. I try to be aware of others feelings. Sometimes, I even forget about my own feelings when I’m concerned enough for someone else. It’s never good when someone’s feelings are hurt. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop feeling these bad feelings – sadness, anger, etc. That’s just a part of life. I can say that they’re getting easier to handle though. Talking about everything definitely helps.

When will we be able to have a baby? I don’t know. But I’m far from giving up hope of having one. That’s for sure. People have struggled with this problem for far longer than we have. Of course I hope we don’t have to struggle that long, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it.

Why?

Oh this word...This question.

Why?

Why have we not gotten pregnant? Why? Why can’t I stop being so mad about this? Why? Why? Why? Why??????

I believe it was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, an Apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, who said that the what informs and the why transforms.

I am still in the process of being transformed by this why. I don’t think the transformation will ever stop.

As we’ve done everything that we can to have a baby, I’ve noticed changes in us both. We are handling each step better. We are relying on each other more. We are searching more and more in the right places for answers. We have found a doctor who really gets it. We are changing.

I don't necessarily know why all this is happening, but I'm trying to learn and grow from the unique experiences we're having.

Now, I want to speak about the couple of points that I passed by earlier.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a Mormon. I am a Christian. I believe in God and in His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ. I believe that He has given us the Holy Ghost, the Spirit, to comfort us in our time on this earth. I know that He cares about us. I know that He cares about ME. And you. I know because of the Plan of Salvation that I’ll be able to live with my Heavenly Father again one day. I will be able to live with my wife and our kids forever. I know these things because of modern revelation given to us by a prophet of God. God still speaks to us as he did the people of old. It because of that fact that I have HOPE! Hope that we’ll be able to have a child one day. It is because of that fact that I know that we are not in this circumstance because we have done something wrong. I know Jesus Christ lived on this earth and that he died for each and every one of us. I know that it is to Him that I can turn for peace. If no one else in the world were able to relate to me, I know He could. I know that He wants to lift this burden and these bad feelings from me. I pray for these things. I hope for these things.

So….Here I sit, typing away at 1:30 a.m. Hoping. Praying. Crying. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I know everything in this life happens for a reason.