Brave
People tell me that I'm so strong, that I'm brave to be going through this. I certainly don't feel that way. When you think of being strong and brave, you think of soldiers and superheros, not girls who have no idea what they're doing, crying on their couch at 10:30 at night.
It's hard to be brave when things seem like they're quickly slipping out of your control.
It's hard to be brave when everything seems uncertain.
It's hard to be brave when it feels like your dream seems to be getting farther away.
It's hard to be brave when people who don't know everything make hurtful comments.
It's hard to be brave when you feel like your body is betraying you.
This is hard.
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This past month or so have been some of the most stressful, agonizing weeks I've ever experienced. We've been diving back into the world of infertility-ness, and things have been a little crazy, so bear with my somewhat scattered thoughts.
After about 6 months of trying to get pregnant after my surgery, we decided it was time to go back to my doctor to try and get more answers. We were ready to have a baby and ready to do whatever it took to make that happen. We ended up seeing Dr. Leavitt, the owner of the practice we were going to, since he deals more with the infertility side of things than Dr. Adams.
Dr. Leavitt was super nice, and since he and his wife dealt with infertility themselves for 17 years, he KNOWS. He knows exactly what we're feeling - the stress, worry, and uncertainty. He also told us that he knows the best way to get us pregnant as quickly and as cheaply as possible, his wife having gone through several unnecessary procedures and tests during their time of doctors visits. After we explained everything we had gone through, Dr. Leavitt said he wanted to start with 3 things: rechecking a couple of my labs, having Josh tested, and having me start Clomid with my next cycle.
It took several weeks to get those 3 things done, each just as stressful as the other. Luckily, Josh's labs look great, which took a huge weight off both of our shoulders. Clomid fortunately didn't effect me too much other than some lovely hot flashes every few hours (seriously, they're the worst), but it also didn't do anything else either as far as helping me ovulate.
My labs, however, weren't as good. Now, they aren't exactly at an "end of the road" status, but they are concerning enough that they're beyond what Dr. Leavitt is capable of helping with as an OB-GYN. And so, we are being sent over to a reproductive endocrinologist, or fertility specialist. The nurse explained that our new doctor would be able to tell us exactly what our options really are, IVF or otherwise.
Later that day, I completely lost it. I was ready to do anything, but I didn't think we'd reach the IVF option so quickly. I thought we'd be at retrying Clomid or another medication, not jumping straight to the bigger options. And the thought was overwhelming.
But I'm luckily not going through this alone. I seriously cannot fully explain to you guys just how much Josh has done for me. When my worries start overwhelming me, and I can't hold back my tearful babbling, he just listens, holds me in his arms, and wipes my tears away. He lets me get all of those fears out. He encourages me everyday. He'll randomly buy Ben & Jerry's for us to share. Somehow, he's been able to keep a better hold on the fact that this will all work out, that someday this will end. He's been my sanity. A song by the great Josh Groban perfectly describes how amazing my Josh has been:
"When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face of what I don't understand;
My reason to be brave."
We have our appointment with our new doctor, Dr. Heiner, today, and I don't quite know how to feel. Hopeful that we can get some more answers. Anxious to find out what our options are. Worried that my worst fears will become reality. But I'm trying to stay positive and trust that it will all work out.
It's hard to be brave when things seem like they're quickly slipping out of your control.
It's hard to be brave when everything seems uncertain.
It's hard to be brave when it feels like your dream seems to be getting farther away.
It's hard to be brave when people who don't know everything make hurtful comments.
It's hard to be brave when you feel like your body is betraying you.
This is hard.
_____________________________________________________
This past month or so have been some of the most stressful, agonizing weeks I've ever experienced. We've been diving back into the world of infertility-ness, and things have been a little crazy, so bear with my somewhat scattered thoughts.
After about 6 months of trying to get pregnant after my surgery, we decided it was time to go back to my doctor to try and get more answers. We were ready to have a baby and ready to do whatever it took to make that happen. We ended up seeing Dr. Leavitt, the owner of the practice we were going to, since he deals more with the infertility side of things than Dr. Adams.
Dr. Leavitt was super nice, and since he and his wife dealt with infertility themselves for 17 years, he KNOWS. He knows exactly what we're feeling - the stress, worry, and uncertainty. He also told us that he knows the best way to get us pregnant as quickly and as cheaply as possible, his wife having gone through several unnecessary procedures and tests during their time of doctors visits. After we explained everything we had gone through, Dr. Leavitt said he wanted to start with 3 things: rechecking a couple of my labs, having Josh tested, and having me start Clomid with my next cycle.
It took several weeks to get those 3 things done, each just as stressful as the other. Luckily, Josh's labs look great, which took a huge weight off both of our shoulders. Clomid fortunately didn't effect me too much other than some lovely hot flashes every few hours (seriously, they're the worst), but it also didn't do anything else either as far as helping me ovulate.
My labs, however, weren't as good. Now, they aren't exactly at an "end of the road" status, but they are concerning enough that they're beyond what Dr. Leavitt is capable of helping with as an OB-GYN. And so, we are being sent over to a reproductive endocrinologist, or fertility specialist. The nurse explained that our new doctor would be able to tell us exactly what our options really are, IVF or otherwise.
Later that day, I completely lost it. I was ready to do anything, but I didn't think we'd reach the IVF option so quickly. I thought we'd be at retrying Clomid or another medication, not jumping straight to the bigger options. And the thought was overwhelming.
But I'm luckily not going through this alone. I seriously cannot fully explain to you guys just how much Josh has done for me. When my worries start overwhelming me, and I can't hold back my tearful babbling, he just listens, holds me in his arms, and wipes my tears away. He lets me get all of those fears out. He encourages me everyday. He'll randomly buy Ben & Jerry's for us to share. Somehow, he's been able to keep a better hold on the fact that this will all work out, that someday this will end. He's been my sanity. A song by the great Josh Groban perfectly describes how amazing my Josh has been:
"When you stand up and hold out your hand
In the face of what I don't understand;
My reason to be brave."
But Josh isn't the only one holding my hand through all of this. I have felt comfort that only comes from my Savior, and no matter how many times I breakdown, He picks me back up again. It's been a hard process to learn to submit my will to His; to trust that He knows all and has a wonderful plan for me. But I'm learning.
_____________________________________________________We have our appointment with our new doctor, Dr. Heiner, today, and I don't quite know how to feel. Hopeful that we can get some more answers. Anxious to find out what our options are. Worried that my worst fears will become reality. But I'm trying to stay positive and trust that it will all work out.
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