The Story of Us - Part 11

Thursday night, Josh and I met up in the park, and we just started walking around, talking about classes and such. I kept trying to think of a good way to start talking about what had happened on Sunday and Monday, but the words just didn't seem to come. Josh either didn't know what to say either or was waiting for me to be the one to start the conversation, so we just kept walking and talking about other random things. I started to talk a little bit about my doubts with going on a mission, but Josh ended up just saying that he knew I was going to be a great missionary.
Soon we realized that it was 11:45 and we had to both get home before curfew.

Once we got home, however, we both got on Facebook and starting chatting some more. Now that I wasn't face-to-face with Josh, talking became a little easier because I had time to organize my thoughts a little more without the pressure of having Josh right by me. Lame, I know, but for me it worked.

I was still trying to figure out how exactly to say what I wanted to say (that I really liked him and wanted to maybe trying dating again), when Josh whipped out the friendzone.


Well... now what?

My brain was racing, trying to figure out how to tell him what I was feeling. I was still going forward with my decision of a mission, but I also really liked him. And the combination of the two was making me really confused. But I knew if I told him that, he might try to pull away more since he was clearly going to support my going on a mission. So I opted with being his friend, because that was better than nothing with Josh, right? So I told him thanks for the support and that I was glad that we were friends. 

Josh and I kept talking and hanging out some, but things were clearly more strained for both of us. I was still hurting that he was dating someone else, and he was trying to act like nothing was out of the ordinary. But he purposely never talked about Tiffany, and I knew it. I'd ask what he was up to that night, and he'd say "Just watching a movie with friends." Tiffany. Or I'd ask if he had someone to help him make the 20 hour drive back to Arkansas for the semester break, and he'd say "Yeah I have someone." Tiffany. It was very frustrating. I knew he was trying to spare my feelings, but I didn't like the fact that he was still trying to hide Tiffany from me. 

The most awkward moment happened though when my roommates and I invited some guys, including Josh, to come watch General Conference with us at our apartment Sunday morning. A couple of my roommates had pulled out their mattresses so we could lie on them while we watched, and Josh had taken over the mattress closest to the TV. I tried to act all nonchalant and sat on the other mattress next to his head. Partway through that Conference session, my back started to hurt from sitting up without any back support, and so I was trying to figure out how to shift around. Josh was lying on his back next to me, and without really thinking about it, I decided to lie on my stomach and use Josh's chest as a table for my little notebook. Friends can use each other as tables, right, and Josh and I were, as he plainly put it, good friends. I could tell though that Josh felt super uncomfortable, and so I did too, but I didn't want to cause a scene by sitting back up again right away. So I just stayed there for a good 15-20 minutes or so. 

Our friend Zach decided to capture the "precious" moment, and so behold, our first picture together


After that day though, things didn't seem to be going very well. My hurt with Josh dating Tiffany was taking a turn towards anger, and so I didn't really want to talk to him, and he was still acting all awkward-pretending to be normal. So by the time the semester was over a couple of weeks later, I was just frustrated and mad (cue venting moment about it all to my mom in the car at home), and so when our week break was done, I was perfectly content not talking to Josh. I still liked him, but I was more mad than anything.
Josh didn't really seem to keen on talking to me either. Our first Sunday back, I ended up sitting in the row right in front of him, and he made no attempts to try and talk to me, and since I was still upset with him, I ignored him right back.

So much for being good friends.

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