The Story of Us - Part 7

Dating is scary. You meet someone, do some random activity with him, and then if it goes well, you do it again. And then when your heart gets involved - that's when it gets hard. It gets messy. You're holding your heart out to this person and hoping that they will take it and not hurt it. It's a big risk. But we do it anyway because we hope that this time, maybe, just maybe, it will work out.

                                                                                                               

As I've mentioned before, dating was never my strong suit. I got nervous enough when a guy asked me on a date, so the fact that I was considering doing the inviting of an activity with Josh was shocking even to myself. But I had let guys fall out of my life so many times because I chose not to do anything, and this time I didn't want that to happen. The thought that I could be losing my chance with Josh was making me panic a little inside. I can't explain it completely, but I couldn't let that happen. 

So I gathered up my courage and sent Josh this message:

I was super excited when he said yes and we planned for him to come over to my apartment when he was done with ultimate frisbee. I tried to keep myself busy doing homework in the mean time but it was pretty difficult because I was nervous. 

When Josh was done, he came over and my roommate answered the door since I was still back in my room. As I walked down the hallway to the front door, I saw Josh, and this may sound ridiculous, but he looked really really good. He was still in his ultimate frisbee uniform and catching his breath from playing and all I could think was, "Wow, he is really attractive." I guess I had never really noticed just how lean and in shape he was before since it was winter and he was usually bundled up, or wearing looser clothes. Needless to say I was a little stunned and instantly more nervous. I really wanted him to like me again.

My roommate and one of her friends were using my tv, so Josh and I decided to go over to his apartment instead. I had never been to his apartment before and they had this cool set up with their couches where one couch was up on a couple of chairs to make it higher off the ground with the other in front of it so it was like stadium seating. His roommate Tyler and his girlfriend Hannah were cuddled up on the top couch so Josh and I sat on the bottom couch. 

We picked out a funny episode from season 3 of Psych and started watching, but not too long into the episode, Josh pulled out his phone and started texting Tiffany again. Throughout the episode, we didn't really say much and Josh seemed more concerned about his phone than anything else. I just kept sinking farther into my corner of the couch, wishing I could melt away. I felt like such an idiot and I almost got up several times to leave because I felt so foolish for suggesting this. As soon as the episode was over, I just needed to get out of there. I got up to leave and just wanted to bolt out of there, but Josh insisted on walking me home. I didn't really want him to but said ok anyway.  

But I didn't want to give up quite yet. I still didn't know anything definite about what was going on between Josh and this Tiffany girl, and Josh wasn't acting super different or anything. Sometimes I felt like he still liked me, but other times I felt like just a friend. So even though I knew I was possibly going down a dead-end path, I kept trying. I would text him or send him messages on Facebook, just to make sure he and I were still talking and that he knew I was still there. And I thought that maybe I was working my way back in. 

That weekend was Easter, and my family and I went down to Utah to spend time with my grandparents and some cousins. The weekend started out really fun, but then that night before I when to bed, I jumped on Facebook. As I scrolled down the page, I saw something that popped the balloon of good feelings I had inside. Josh had just posted some pictures of him. And Tiffany. Together. They were on a date together. I was so stunned and hurt and felt ridiculous for everything I had been trying to do to get his attention. I messed up. Why did I push him away so much? Why hadn't I given him a chance? Now I'd lost him...

The next day I tried to forget about it and just enjoy my time with my family, but it was really hard. I knew I shouldn't let my bad mood show and affect this fun weekend, but I just kept thinking about it all over and over again. I was able to forget for a little bit, though, when a few of us went to the Festival of Colors in Spanish Fork, and lose myself in the joy of throwing bright colored powder everywhere.

Later while we were at Easter dinner part one at my aunt and uncles afterwards when I had time to myself to start thinking again (a dangerous thing when you're feeling heartbroken), I started to get an idea. My ward was having a closing social for the semester that upcoming Monday and we were having a talent show. Allison and I had talked about doing something together for it, but we hadn't had time to really think of anything yet. I suddenly got the idea that maybe I could do something on my own. There wasn't anything that I would feel comfortable playing on the piano or singing, so then I thought about the guitar. Now I don't really play the guitar, but the previous semester my roommate had borrowed a friend's guitar for a little while and I had taught myself a song. Just one song, but it was a beautiful song and pretty easy to play. So I could maybe play that for the talent show. 

It was a crazy idea because I don't do things like this - I never do things like this. Sing in a group, sure. Play in orchestra, great. But sing by myself in front of other people? Unheard of. And yet, I wanted to. 

So the next day as we were driving from Provo back up to Brigham City, I sent my good friend (and Relief Society president) Sydney a text asking if I could borrow her guitar. Allison had already signed both of us up to perform together so I sent her a text telling her that I wanted actually do something on my own for the show. Both agreed and this crazy plan was starting to come together. While we were driving, the song I was going to play came up on my brother's iPod. I told my brother and sister that I was going to play that song at a ward talent show the next day and just saying it out loud was almost surreal because I couldn't believe it myself that I actually wanted to do this. (More to come on this event in future posts)

Even though I knew it probably wasn't a good idea, I sent Josh a text too seeing if he wanted to go to Stadium Singing with me still that night once I got back to Rexburg. We had made that a pretty regular thing and I still wanted to go with him. To my surprise, I got this message back:

We decided to just meet up at the English one, and I was excited and nervous and still hurt from the pictures on Facebook. But I still wanted to go with him. It was fun singing hymns together but soon he started pulling out his phone again in between songs. And I started to get really frustrated and hurt again. Once it was over, Josh walked me back to my apartment and when we got there, before Josh could leave, I gathered up my courage and asked if I could ask him something outside real quick. He looked a little nervous but agreed. 

Out in the hall, I didn't waste any time, and taking a deep breath, I asked "So I was just wondering who Tiffany was."