The Story of Us - Part 20



No matter how long you've been in a relationship with a person, marriage is a huge step. You are committing yourself to another person on a deeper level than just dating them - you are promising to be with them through all the ups and downs that life has to bring. Promising that to be their one and only, promising to be their family and as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that marriage performed in the temple can last not just for this life, but for eternity. It's a beautiful promise. A little overwhelming, but beautiful.

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So I need to back track in the story a little. As I've mentioned before, by the middle of summer, Josh knew that I was the one he wanted to marry. And per the norm in our relationship, I wasn't quite there yet. I was comfortable in the stage of life that we were in at that time. But Josh was ever patient with me. (Seriously, how did I get so lucky?) But he also wasn't going to let me sit on my butt about this either.

For Labor Day weekend, we decided to make a surprise trip up to Montana to visit my family. While we were there, Josh decided that even though he knew I wasn't quite ready yet, he wanted to make sure he was able to talk to my dad in person about marrying me. I had no idea about this, but when your dad and your boyfriend go into a room by themselves, it's not to hard to guess what was going on. I was surprised, though, when my dad called me into the room right after Josh left it. After I had sat down, the first words out of my dad's mouth were "So Josh just asked me for permission to marry you." It took me a little off guard that he was so straight forward about this, but he kept talking. He explained that he did give his permission, but he and Josh had talked about how they knew I wasn't quite ready for that yet. And so he wanted to talk to me about it. I told him that I did love Josh, but I wasn't quite sure about marriage and such yet. He told me that he thought Josh was a great guy, but I needed to figure things out before a ring came into the picture. He told me something along the lines of "It's a lot easier to break things off before you get engaged." My parents would support whatever decision I made, but for Josh's and my own sake, I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

Talking with my dad gave me a lot to think about. I knew I wasn't ready to get married just yet, but I also didn't want to break up with Josh either. But doubts were bombarding my thoughts on a regular basis. Could I be the good wife and eventual mother that Josh deserved? Would we have the means financially to survive since I was still unemployed? What if I didn't find a job near Rexburg? Did I want to get married right now, when us just dating was going so good? I questioned everything. Everything except Josh. I never doubted my love for him, or my desire to be with him.

Near the end of September, Josh brought up going ring shopping. I agreed, but as the day came closer, I became panicked about it. I knew I wasn't ready for that, but I was equally scared to tell Josh that. My scattered brain kept jumping to the worst conclusions about things and I was worried that he would break up with me if I didn't go ring shopping with him (a ridiculous thought, I know). But Josh is very good at figuring out what I'm thinking and so a few days before we were going to go ring shopping, he called me out on not wanting to go. When I confessed that I wasn't ready, he was a little upset, but more so at the fact that I hadn't talked to him about what I was feeling.

As October went on, I kept trying to work through these doubts that didn't want to go away. My future was an entirely blank slate and that scared me. And the longer it was taking to find a job, the more nervous I became about it. One Sunday, my dad and one of my brothers stopped by on their way back from Utah and he and I were able to chat again about things. When he asked about how things were going with Josh and I, I confessed some of the doubts and fears that were going through my mind. My dad gently told me that he knew I would be a great wife and mother, and that things would work out.

Talking with my dad helped ease my concerns, and shortly after he left, I felt inspired to find on my computer a talk I had written a few years earlier for church. I had named the talk "Doubts, Decisions, and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough", and in it, I had written about how Satan tries to use doubts to prevent us from making good choices. Rereading what I had been guided by the Spirit to write years earlier made the light switch flip on in my brain. Satan hates families and will do whatever he can to prevent them from happening or to destroy them, and he knew my weaknesses. He knew that if he could get me to doubt myself, my progress would be hindered. Clarity flooded into my mind. Yes, the future was uncertain, but that didn't mean it wouldn't be wonderful! I just needed to let go and take that leap of faith.

I shared with Josh what I had just read, and it wasn't too much later that Josh asked again, and this time I agreed to go ring shopping on October 25th. Ring shopping was still a terrifying experience (I made Josh buy me ice cream afterwards, I was so jittery - I'm just not good with jewelry, or talking about rings, or just words in general. Can't I just show them my Pinterest wedding board and have them show me a ring I like?) But I was able to find a few at each place that I liked, and then I narrowed it down to my top three so Josh could go back and get one (he didn't, and still hasn't, told me how much my ring costs, and I'm ok with that). All in all, I was happy that experience was over because it meant that hopefully soon, I would be getting engaged to my favorite guy!



When November came rolling around, my attempts at finding a nursing-related job were still getting me nowhere, and I was starting to get panicked because as cheap as my rent was, my bank account was still getting closer and closer to empty. I was applying for pretty much anywhere and everywhere at that point, but nothing was working - not even McDonald's gave my application a second look. 

To help me get away from all the stress, my mother invited me to come up to Victor, Idaho with one of her friends to a cabin for the week. It was a much-needed getaway, filled with lots of movies, walks through the snow, hot tubs, and delicious food. My mom's friend spent a lot of time with her other family that was sharing the cabin with us, so my mom and I had plenty of time with just us and it was perfect :)




Winter was definitely on its way, and so during one of our FaceTime chats while I was at the cabin, I asked Josh if we could go hike R Mountain one more time before it got too cold. He thought it was a great idea, so we decided that on Saturday when I got back from the cabin we would make one more trek up our favorite mountain. 


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