Here is Good

Lately, I've been feeling the need to share what Josh and I have been going through. This is very close to my heart, and I haven't wanted to talk about it at all. But over the past few weeks, I've had the feeling in my heart that I need to be more open about it. And I've found that the more I talk about it, the better I feel. I'm not sharing to make you feel sorry for me - that's the last thing I want. I just want you to be able to understand. (I'm going to be very blunt and open, so if you don't want to know all that many personal things about me, you might want to skip this post.) Growing up as the oldest of nine children, I learned from an early age how to care for kids. I helped feed my brother when I was 2, changed my first diaper when I was 8, and by 12, I was babysitting for my parents as well as others in my church. I grew to absolutely love babysitting! I loved getting to be with all these adorable children. And so I went from watching...

The next day after my interview with my bishop, May 23rd, Josh asked if he could come over after he finished work that night to talk. He didn't get done with work until after 10 that night, and so it was getting close to well after 11 before he made it over to my place. My roommates were all still out and about, or already in bed, so it was just Josh and I out in the living room sitting on the couch. I was a little nervous about what he wanted to talk to me about, but he seemed to be his normal happy self. We didn't have much time to talk before curfew, so Josh got right to the chase. He told me that he had been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of weeks about what he wanted, and about us. (I honestly don't remember what all he said - I was kind of nervous about where he was going with this). He started to get a little nervous, paused, and then said, "And so I think we should be exclusive." A huge grin split across my face, and all I could get out was, ...

Ok, I need to back track a little bit in the story. During the week break from school, I had turned my focus back to my mission papers. I had gone through the first parts of the papers fairly quickly in January, but I had let doubts and boys get in the way of finishing up the rest of them. I had spent a lot of time going back and forth and back and forth about it all. Thinking about it. Praying about it. Talking with my parents, friends, and other family. I really wanted to go out and teach people about the gospel that I love so much, but I was also terrified about it. I'm pretty shy at first, and so I was scared about going out to talk to total strangers. But over the break between  semesters in April, I jumped full force back into the mission-mobile. I got my dental examination and set up my physical examination at the Student Health Center on campus for the first day of the semester. I was also in a Mission Prep class for Spring semester, and I was really excited for it! One o...

I have to admit, I was surprised but not necessarily happy that Josh had texted me. Just confused. He was happy that I had come? And watched him sit on the sidelines all afternoon? He had barely spoken to me the whole time! But when he apologized for not being very talkative, the beginnings of frustration with him washed away. I still wasn't completely happy with him, but it was still nice that he had apologized. We kept chatting for a little bit longer, and by the time we said goodnight, I wasn't entirely sure what was going to happen when I saw him next in a couple of days. Maybe we were just going to be friends forever, nothing more. But despite my confused feelings for Josh, there was no way for me to avoid him to figure them out, because once I got back to Rexburg on Sunday, we ended up seeing each other essentially every day that week. Monday was FHE. Tuesday, he sat by me at devotional, and then walked me to work at the Student Health Center before heading home. Wedn...

After my FHE shenanigans, I was very nervous about being around or talking to Josh. I could almost guarantee he had seen through my plan, and I wasn't sure if he liked it or not, and so I didn't want to do anything too crazy that might scare him away. But to my surprise, despite the awkwardness that had happened, things were pretty good between us! Josh and I ended up talking, chatting on Facebook, or seeing each other in person almost every day, and it was often him who would start a conversation. It usually would only be for a little bit since we both (mainly me) had such busy schedules, but it was still something. At the end of that second week of the semester, Josh and his roommate Todd came over to my house so I could see if I could wrap his ankle (I had recently taken a sports medicine class). I wasn't able to since I realized that I didn't have the right kind of tape, but they ended up staying and chatting for a while anyway. I asked Josh why he needed his ankl...

I'm just not good at staying mad at people. It just takes too much effort to keep up the cold shoulder and the pretending like I don't care. So eventually I give up. Remember how I was really mad at Josh and was totally fine not talking to him again? Yeah, that lasted a solid two days once we both were back at school. By that Tuesday, I was over not being friends and so I cautiously sent him a text to see if he wanted to sit with my friends and I at devotional, since that's what he did all Winter semester. I wasn't all that surprised, though, when he replied that he was going to sit with his girlfriend instead, but thanked me for the offer. A few hours later, I was heading home from work, when I got another text from Josh. I was surprised, but even more surprised by what he told me. He said that he no longer had a girlfriend. I didn't quite know to say because I didn't quite understand why he had told me. But I won't deny that I had a little bit more ...

Thursday night, Josh and I met up in the park, and we just started walking around, talking about classes and such. I kept trying to think of a good way to start talking about what had happened on Sunday and Monday, but the words just didn't seem to come. Josh either didn't know what to say either or was waiting for me to be the one to start the conversation, so we just kept walking and talking about other random things. I started to talk a little bit about my doubts with going on a mission, but Josh ended up just saying that he knew I was going to be a great missionary. Soon we realized that it was 11:45 and we had to both get home before curfew. Once we got home, however, we both got on Facebook and starting chatting some more. Now that I wasn't face-to-face with Josh, talking became a little easier because I had time to organize my thoughts a little more without the pressure of having Josh right by me. Lame, I know, but for me it worked. I was still trying to figure ...